


You Fuck

by SupernaturalMystery306



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Crack, Gift Fic, Humor, M/M, Parodies, calum's parodies are shitty for some reason, candy romance half-credits to hoodie, disgusting innuendos hidden somewhere, idk what I was thinking, lots and lots of parodies, luke's are okay xD, no offence to any artist, purely to make people laugh, the title doesn't make sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-04-02 08:22:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4053181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SupernaturalMystery306/pseuds/SupernaturalMystery306
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The time they confessed their love through parodies.</p><p>**Total crack.**</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kailogan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kailogan/gifts).



> So lilz I decided to write something for you which doesn’t involve my incessant fangirling over your sassy af text fics. XD
> 
> Credits to my awesome friend Hoodie. It’s not even funny how much we talk in parodies. Half of the Candy Romance parody was his thing. Rest all is mine. And of course, credit to the real artists also. :P
> 
> I couldn’t resist including the real thing so here it is. Literally copied off a message: _CANDY CANDY CANDY LIKE LOVE LOVE LOVE XD I2ANT YOU CANDY AND YOUR GUMMY WORMS YOU AND ME CAN WRITE A CANDY ROMANCE WAIT GUMMY WORMS ARE CANDY TOOOO XD_
> 
> ALSO, I HAVE ANOTHER LITTLE GIFT WHICH SUCKS BUT WHATEVER. Just a heads up, it’s only a pic. But I kinda love your name so I made it, lol. :’) Link: <http://orig07.deviantart.net/fc35/f/2015/152/a/8/lillylikeablade_by_goddessofsweetnessme-d8vkvo6.png>
> 
> Songs included in order:  
> 1\. You Suck by Abigail Breslin (really the whole point of the story)  
> 2\. Party In The USA by good ole Miley Cyrus.  
> 3\. Big Night by Big Time Rush  
> 4\. Blank Space (Taylor Swift)  
> 5\. Save You Tonight (One Direction)  
> 6\. Never Be BY MY BABIES  
> 7\. Gotta Be You (1D)  
> 8\. Don’t Stop The Party (by BEP)  
> 9\. Bad Romance by Lady Gaga / Candy Romance by Hoodie. xD
> 
> If it is not clear you can always ask. :)
> 
> If my fanfiction friend is bothering to read this, then hi. :) :P

“You really wanna do this?”

Luke sighs, “Yes Cal, yes. I mean, it’s just…. I need him to know before it’s too late and he gets another bitch.”

Calum bites his lip, and nods.

Luke cheers, pumping his fist in the air, before tackling the boy in front of him in a hug.

\---

_“We hate your dumb face ooh”_

Michael looks up as Luke and Calum enter the room.

 _“You look like you just ate some poo_   
_And you didn’t really like the taste (Or maybe you did, lol)”_

Why does that sound so familiar?

 _“You’re laughing cuz you’re nothing, you know,_   
_And he likes All Time Low_   
_And then you go and steal our song,_   
_Hashtag Try Hard”_

He snorts as Luke’s voice goes up an octave higher, getting breathy by the end of the line.

The blond boy smiles, before belting out a few more lines.

 _“I bet you know we love this song_   
_Cuz everything ‘bout it is so wrong_   
_Yeah we tell each other that you are so DUMB_   
_T-b-h you know it too_   
_That’s why you say you think we do_   
_Cuz that’s everyone’s defence mechanism-sm-sm-sm_   
_Oh Abby honey you are so dumb_   
_Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, duuuumb_   
_You’re really dumb.”_

Bowing, Luke walks backward out of the room.

Michael stares, mouth hanging open.

He did not just sing a parody You Fu- Suck.

\---

Michael is really surprised, when once again, he’s sitting with Ashton, only to be interrupted when Luke and Calum enter the room.

Why is the blond carrying a cardboard cutout of his face?

He gets an answer soon enough, when Luke puts the mask over his own face and matches his voice to Michael’s.

And begins another song. _Oh god._

 _“I pulled outta her in a minute yo_   
_‘Cuz i could just not stand her face_   
_Welcome to the land of her wrath yo_   
_You just gotta bear it_   
_Jumped off that 'train'_   
_To find a better one, hoe_   
_Look to your left_   
_And keep actin’ like a gangstoh_   
_This is all so crazy,”_

Throwing away the mask, Luke sings the last line articulately, and in his own voice:

_“Michael Clifford is my baby”_

This time it’s Calum who bows, and drags Luke out of the room.

Ashton keeps giggling.

\---

It seems that it’s Calum’s turn to sing now, because he too butchers a song soon enough.

 _“Oh but he was going round, round, round,_   
_Bein’ so reckless, running round, round, round_   
_On-on-on-on Craigslist, lookin’ round, round, round_   
_Bein’ so frickin’ clueless”_

What the fucking fuck is this even…?

“Is this supposed to be a song called Round? Or Clueless? Or Craiglist?” Michael asks, unable to help his curiosity.

“Nah,” Calum answers, all smiley.

Luke stops shaking his hips to the tune to add his own line, _“Ooooh, it’s gonna be a fist fight~!”_

His partner in crime bursts out laughing, giving a promise of a ‘good time’ and a ‘big night.’

Ashton shakes his head, smiling, as Michael thumps his own head backwards, fed up.

\---

Michael finds a sheet of paper with some lyrics scribbled on it when he goes through Luke’s song diary.

 _yeahh so its gonna be ~~Muke~~ forever_  
_or it’s gonna be Minothing_  
_you can tell me that he’s not mine_  
_but hes actually not yours either_  
_got a long list of ~~mikes~~ lovers_  
_they dont know i hate them_  
_but i just ha-ate them, cuz_  
_~~Mikey~~ is mine_

The name has been struck out viciously, as if Luke was scared to have it seen. But Michael can make out a faint ‘M.’ He also wants to know what ‘Minothing’ is.

There’s something else written. 

_give me a blank stare baby, and i’ll smite your face_

Wow, is that a reference-to-slash-parody-of Blank Space?

Michael doesn't know anymore.

\---

 _“It’s a sexy fairy_   
_It’s names Ashy”_

Ashton’s eyes bug out, and his jaw drops. Michael gets a bit satisfied, because Ashton’s been treating the whole fiasco as something extremely amusing, and now that he’s also targeted, it’s satisfying.

 _“He’s just so crazy_   
_If you gave him some cu-”_

Calum stops halfway through the word, coughing when Luke punches his chest. Wincing, he amends,

 _“If you got him some girls,_   
_He wouldn’t take ‘em_   
_‘Cuz he’s so freakin’ gay”_

Apparently the show’s over for today, because the other half of the band bounds out of the room.

Michael looks at Ashton, who shrugs helplessly.

\---

So maybe Michael would have preferred if Luke had sung such a thing for him. But he doesn’t mention it, just listens to Calum with a poker face.

 _“I want his love, my name is Calum_   
_Please ship Cashton, or it is Ashum_   
_Oh crap it’s not Calashton, is it?_   
_It’s too long a word to worship_   
_But okay hey, so is Ashton_   
_But still I wanna worship his thang_   
_I wanna feel it, feel it all night_   
_I wanna suck him like it’s my right_   
_We’ll never be as strong as we are now_   
_It’s time to fuck before we lose our stamina_   
_Let’s be so gay_   
_Ashton’s my bae_   
_Don’t you think he looks good in gray_   
_You’ll never see how sexy he can be_   
_And that’s okay with me.”_

The twerking which accompanied Calum’s piece of distorted talent is hard to look at. Because Luke’s is much better.

Ashton, poor thing, looks at Calum for a minute, before he walks out of the room.

“Never Be? _Really_ , Cal? Coulda sung Lolly. _I want Ashton’s lolly~_ ” Michael offers his opinion, and gets flipped off in return.

Even Calum walks out of the room.

It’s only Luke now, and Michael is totally going to get answers out of him.

“What’s Minothing?”

Luke looks startled, before he offers the explanation, “It’s you and nothing shipped together. And Muke is you and I. Um, just wanted you to know that I kinda like you and I’m happy Crabby and you are over.” He shrugs and walks away, as if it doesn’t bother him that he had to confess his love for one of his best friends.

Michael snorts, because really, one, it’s _so_  obvious that Luke has a crush on him, and two, Abby really is crabby.

\---

Michael is all prepared, so when Luke and Calum enter the room, Ashton begins pretending to play the violin, while Michael clears his throat, and starts singing.

 _“Can we sail, one more time?_   
_Sail that ship, we can’t rhyme_   
_And do you get the irony of the above line?_   
_It’s gotta be Muuuuuuuuuke_   
_Can we sail, one more, one more time_   
_One more, one more time,_   
_Can we sail one more tiiiiiiime,_   
_It’s gotta be Muuuuuuuuke.”_

Luke looks stunned.

Ashton ends his performance with, “I ship Cashton. The only long thing I want is Calum.”

However it seems that the younger half of the band is not going to let the older half have the last word, because Calum, _goddammit_ , has _another_ parody.

 _“WHAT WE DO’S ORIGINAL_   
_SEX WITH HIM IS MAGICAL_   
_HE IS SO SO FUCKABLE_   
_DON’T STOP THE FUCKIN’”_

And he jumps- fucking _jumps_ Ashton, who flails before falling to the ground under the black haired boy’s weight.

Michael looks at Luke expectantly. Really, he _knows_ Luke is gonna have something up his sleeve.

He’s not disappointed.

 _“I WANT YOUR CANDY AND YOUR GUMMY WORMS TOO_  
_YOU AND ME CAN WRITE A CANDY ROMANCE!_  
_OH OH WOAH OH OH OH OH OH OH WE CAN WRITE THAT CANDY ROMANCE_  
_WANT THAT SWEET ROMANCE_  
_EAT SOME CANDY BABY EAT IT EAT IT EAT THAT CANDY_  
_EAT SOME CANDY BABY EAT IT EAT IT EAT THAT CANDY_  
_I WANT YOUR CANDY AND I WANT THAT SWEETNESS_  
_YOU AND ME CAN WRITE A CANDY ROMANCEEEEE."_

And there's silence. Because _none_ of them, not even Calum, expected Luke to come up with that.

Luke is the one to break the silence, "...Wait, gummy worms are candies too....”

Michael rolls his eyes.

\---

And they snog and fuck happily ever after.


	2. Timestamp - He's alright, yo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke just wants glitter, and now Michael has an incentive to release their next album.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is utter nonsense featuring She's Kinda Hot and Really Don't Care parodies.
> 
> #Unedited.

Michael decides to agree with Calum and Ashton for the cover of their new album, much to Luke’s annoyance, since no one supported his wish for a glittery cover.

Which results in a little bit of torture for Cashton, and a _lot_ of torture for Michael.

_Hey Mikey you picked the wrong cover  
_ _Shoulda picked the one with the glitter says my mama  
_ _Don’t think you’re getting any for a month ha  
_ _Now I’mma just go and find anotha brotha_

”What the fuck did I do, Luke?” Michael asks, because hey, not having sex for a month? What the hell kind of a punishment is that?

Luke smirks, before saying, “You didn’t agree with me and mum told me the only way to get you to see your mistakes is to sing to you.”

”Well,” Michael says, “You asked your mother for advice? Ugh, whatever, I really don’t care.”

Luke pouts.

\---

After some time, it turns out that Luke argued with Liz too, since he comes over and plop down onto Michael’s lap and begins yet again.

_My mother’s pissed off ‘cause my boyfriend’s sexy  
_ _Acts like a kid but he is almost twenty  
_ _That’s really hot bro  
_ _Yeah, he is a real hoe_

Ashton, that bastard, pipes up, “A teeny little sweet sweet hoe.”

Luke nods, before continuing.

_Michael is an ass and everybody knows it,  
_ _He oftens screams at me at 12 in the noon,  
_ _He is a jerk, oh  
_ _Yeah, he is a jerk, oh_

“A really pissing off jerk!” Yeah, that was Ashton.

_Shut the hell up guys  
_ _Glitter was hurting my eyes  
_ _I’m sorry Luke Hemmo,  
_ _1, 2, 3, 4!  
_ _Sometimes I feel that Luke’s a little loopy_

”What?!”

_Did you know he asked me what hot pockets mean?  
_ _H_ _e is an idiot._

”No!”

_Yeah, he is an idiot woah.  
_ _Na na na na na na na na na na na  
_ _Na na na na na na na na na na na  
_ _But he’s alright yo!”_

Luke looks at Michael for approximately five minutes before announcing, “Forget a month, you’re not getting any for a year. Till our next album comes out and you suggest glitter.” With that, he tips his imaginary hat from Hey Everybody and takes his leave.

Michael stares in horror, because a dry spell for a year? Oh no.

”Chill bro,” Calum tries to console him, “It’s okay. At least your parody was good.

Michael nods, too stunned to say anything, before mumbling, “We need to get started on another album ASAP.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no comments. don't judge.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m hoping someone at least laughed at the suckiness of this.  
> I wrote up the parodies on the last page of my school almanac during the time the teacher wasn’t there in class so you can’t really expect some perf job at this. XD  
> Still, thanks, y’all, for reading. :)


End file.
